I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where I’m going. It’s weird to be here isn’t it. Weird to finger with fingers and touch with touch and list with lisp. Quelling little stirrings of shit screaming, dead star orgasm in your dna. I find it really unsettling the unpattern of our pattern. The consistency that comes naturally but we can barely see from moment to moment. What are the bodies we live in. They’re you but you see them. how can you be what you see. You see through your eyes like windows. you are not your eyes and it makes me feel trapped and scrapped. Tapped for truth. Lately loneliness feels so much more sad. Because you realize that when you don’t have other social animals to be with you yearn to die because its the next best option for being together with something. You get to lose yourself so fully that you are everything. It’s comforting though. To know that it will happen no matter what. Who we are right now is so momentary. And not just “human” but you specifically. this second thought breath death joy perilpeace. It only happens once and then you get to be with everything with everything. God, its terrifying to think about anything else besides you. How do you give up you. You is literally the only thing that you are. The only thing that you experience on your you trip. Is it solipsism if you know its true? You sexy little brain in a vat with janet jackson blaring on your headphone elctrodes while god watches you dance in your virtual fantasy. Just watching you jerk lurk quirk squirt in the jelly that is everything you’ve ever felt. Oh shit we’re going down now. Infinite soap spiral, killing norman abyss into moss mold. Does being mold feel bad? To just consume and fuzz and consume and fuzz until you get a fucking faceful of spic n’ span. Maybe its nice. Disinfectant shotgun pellets across bacterial body. Feel it breaking apart the scope of your misanthrope throat, your being feeling like soreness to the flesh you infect.
Boinking now, we back we back. Built a ladder out of my bootstraps. Going to the doctor’s office, dentist checked me out, get me in that temp work. I’m ready to go. Hike up my skirt no hose like a boss bitch. I give you everything. Heels up ankles broke. why the fuck do i want it though. Give me responsibility or I don’t have breath. Break down as I’m leaving town every single time. You will never leave if the tires are still in tact, if you’re crutchless, got all your limbs. Why is my unconscious such a cesspool. I can’t even fix the pile of laundry and rotting food on this layer how am I supposed to dive inside myself and spring clean. Every spring? Every day? EVERY DAY? Is this bad? I wonder where Diego is. A nurse now or some good old accomplished white boy shit. Love it. I’m all about it. Maybe he can talk to the boss and get me a discount on big health. I can feel myself telescoping my brain like the extra lens I got with my camera. It sucks. Sits on my desk. So I just sit and twirl it back and forth to the end. longer shorter night reporter. Always thinking so late. Too late to think about some things. We in these jonathan glazer nights so we can have edgar wright days right? RIGHT? yeah, that’s the plan. And you know how well I sitck to those. Heist movie where when something goes wrong you just break in half right there with your gun to a hostage’s head. Put in your headphones and listen to halsey. nothing to see here. Just gave up. Tears on the bank floor, black tile please smile back at me.
Listening to: Magic Oneohtrix Point Never
I’m trying out a new thing where I just do light free association writing while listening to an album. To me this is the one of the only ways I can get myself to write/meditate so I think I’m going to be doing this more regularly. It might even end up being a daily practice. It just feels really good to do. Might pick something a little more upbeat and structured next time though. We’ll see. I find it really fascinating how permeable I felt while doing this. Like a straight-up antenna.
yawning young 